


So Cold

by Moonchildbrat



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Depression, Light Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Mercy era, One Shot, Other, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, he doesnt actually self-harm tho, he just thinks about it, i love Changkyun so much, writing this was my coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:55:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonchildbrat/pseuds/Moonchildbrat
Summary: Changkyun tries not to show how hurt he is by the other members' silence. It's hard, because he wants someone to cuddle with or hold his hand. But, he just doesn't have that.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Comments: 10
Kudos: 369
Collections: Changkyun Angst post-No Mercy





	So Cold

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this work, check out my other works too! 
> 
> Also, if you're sad, please talk to someone. Remember that Monsta X loves you, no matter what.

Changkyun knew that joining a reality competition show halfway through was going to be tough.  _ Of course _ he expected it to be tough. Even if he had started on day one, it would have been tough. Changkyun knew that, but the looks that the other trainees shot him so consistently throughout the day still hurt. His chest still ached, and his body still felt heavy when Hyunwoo or Kihyun would leave a room the moment he entered it. It was hard when he thrived off of physical affection, but he didn’t even have a hand to hold. He knew it would be tough, but, he supposed, he didn’t know just  _ how tough _ it would really be. 

When he learned he had gotten a spot in the group, he almost fell to the ground. Afterwards, he wanted to go to the judges and producers and respectfully decline the position. Changkyun was afraid. He was afraid of failing. He was afraid of the other members’ judgment. He was afraid that the same thing that happened to Nu’bility would happen to this new group that didn’t even have a  _ name  _ yet. Mostly, though, Changkyun was afraid of being alone. Sure, he had his moments with the others, like the time they had visited the beach and Changkyun had played with Hoseok for a little bit. But, in the end, Hoseok didn’t consider Changkyun his friend, and so Changkyun was still alone. He had decided against it after he told his mother about his thoughts. He hadn’t expected his mother to have quite so many words to say about it. But, he had worked so hard. His parents had worked hard to help him debut, and he couldn’t reject a chance to debut simply out of fear. So, instead, he kept his mouth shut as he followed the other members back to the dorms. 

Those who didn’t make it were already gone. 

Changkyun’s chest still twisted and hurt when he rejected dinner and chose to sleep instead.  _ They wouldn’t want him there anyway.  _

When he woke up, Changkyun let out a heavy sigh, feeling as though something heavy was forcing the air out of his lungs. Even so, he managed to get out of bed and get ready alongside everyone else. Nobody really talked to him very much. Kihyun tried to crack a couple of jokes, which Changkyun genuinely laughed at, but in the end, he was still alone. They were thrust into vocal practice that day. The vocal line spent hours with K. Will and a vocal coach, while Jooheon and Changkyun spent hours in a stuffy studio, practicing with Mad Clown and a coach for rapping. Changkyun felt the weight on his chest grow heavier as time went on, as Jooheon would receive mainly praises, while Changkyun could only hear reprimands. He just wanted to go back to his bed and sleep. 

The two rappers walked back to the dorm side by side, in complete silence. Changkyun wished he could reach out and grab Jooheon’s hand. Not as a romantic gesture. Because he was touch-starved. He so sincerely missed physical affection.  _ Please, Jooheon. Just give me one hug. Just pat my back and tell me that you love me. Please tell me that I’m important. Please. _ Changkyun waited as Jooheon unlocked the door, then slid his shoes off and traipsed down the hall, into his room. He grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste. He kept everything in his suitcase. Just in case. He brushed his teeth until his gums bled, then he placed his belongings back in the suitcase. He slid into bed. He wanted to call his mother, just so he could hear the voice of someone who loved him. But, a manager wasn’t around, and they had confiscated everybody’s phones earlier. His back was facing the door, but he heard the footsteps. Someone was standing in the doorway, clearly reluctant to come in. Jooheon. He must have changed his mind, though, because the footsteps receded into the next room. Changkyun heard a door close. Changkyun wanted to get out his cat plushie, just to hug something, but he was afraid that the others would make fun of him. He kept it in his suitcase. 

The other members seemed to know each other from their trainee days. Changkyun was new to Starship. Hoseok, Minhyuk, and Jooheon were already telling the members that they love them. Kihyun, Hyungwon, and Hyunwoo were a little more reserved, but they were coming around to it. The members never told Changkyun that they love him. There were a couple of days that Changkyun contemplated hurting himself. He almost did it, too. But, he thought about his parents, and what would happen if the general public found out. It would ruin his career, and then he would have worked hard for nothing. He didn’t hurt himself. 

“Changkyun, can you help me with these bars?” Jooheon asked, coming into Changkyun’s shared room with Minhyuk and sitting on the floor, next to Changkyun’s bed. Jooheon had never stepped foot in his room for him before. Only for Minhyuk. Changkyun tries not to think about it. He does anyway. Changkyun smiles timidly and takes the notebook from Jooheon’s hands. He peers over the lyrics. 

“Which beat is this going to? Just so I can hear it in my head.” 

“The second one,” Jooheon responds excitedly. Changkyun nods and puts the words on the page to the beat that he and Jooheon had worked on the previous day. 

“What’s wrong with it? What are you not liking?” Changkyun listened as Jooheon spoke, making sure to be attentive. This wasn’t necessarily the longest conversation with Jooheon, but he was still worried that he would invoke some sort of rage in the other rapper. He had never seen it in Jooheon, but he worried it might be there all the same. When the two were finished, Changkyun shifted back onto the mattress, expecting Jooheon to simply leave. Just as he was about to throw the blanket over himself, Changkyun froze at the sound of his name being called out softly. 

“Yes, hyung?” Changkyun asked, looking up at Jooheon. Jooheon opened his mouth, but hesitated. The older man shifted awkwardly before speaking again. “Do you wanna come eat dinner with us? I think Hyunwoo hyung and Kihyun hyung are cooking. They should be almost done by now,” Jooheon said, looking at his watch. 

“Oh,” Changkyun said, feeling the inexplicable pressure on his chest, again. “No, that’s okay. I can wait.” Jooheon furrowed his brow at this.

“What do you mean? Are you not hungry? It is a little bit early, we can wait until you’re hungry.” Changkyun wanted to say yes. He wanted to take Jooheon’s hand. He wanted to ask the other rapper if he would wrap his arms around Changkyun’s body the way he did with Hoseok and Minhyuk. But, if Jooheon- if  _ any  _ of the members had wanted that sort of bond with him, they would have initiated it already. 

“No, that’s okay hyung. You don’t need to wait for me. I’ll just eat later.” Jooheon huffed.

“I don’t understand, Changkyun. It’s been months and you haven’t eaten with us once.” Changkyun blinked at Jooheon in confusion.

“Nobody ever invited me,” the maknae mumbled, looking down at his lap. There was a moment of silence between the two. Changkyun wanted to look up. Wanted to see what expression Jooheon’s face held. He didn’t look up. 

“You live with us. Why would we invite you? You just come eat with us.” Jooheon said it  _ so _ matter-of-fact that Changkyun felt so  _ stupid _ . The pressure in his chest twisted into a deep ache. 

“Oh. Okay. Well, I’m not hungry.”  _ Not anymore.  _ “Maybe next time.” Changkyun wanted to cry. He felt embarrassed and unintelligent. He thought he was supposed to wait for the others to invite him, because he felt like an intruder. He wasn’t usually so sensitive, but it had been half a year since anyone had physically touched him aside from the make-up artists and occasionally the physical trainer. Those were never friendly touches. Purely professional. Jooheon sighed and left. That night, Changkyun had gotten out of bed to wash his face and brush his teeth. He opened his suitcase and started grabbing supplies, when he heard someone enter the room.

“Why do you still keep everything in that suitcase?” Minhyuk asked casually. How could Changkyun explain to Minhyuk that he was waiting for everyone to realize that he wasn’t as good as they initially thought? Or that they would get angry with him and force him to leave? Or that they would disband before ever debuting? How could he explain anything to Minhyuk without revealing how utterly alone the maknae was. Changkyun inhaled. Exhaled.

“I just don’t like taking up too much space, hyung. I don’t want my supplies to crowd your space in the bathroom or anything.” There was such a long pause that Changkyun wasn’t expecting to see Minhyuk in the room anymore, figuring he left and Changkyun just hadn’t heard his footsteps. But, no, he was still there. A look on his face that Changkyun couldn’t read.

“Do you think you would take up too much space?” Minhyuk asked quietly.  _ I think I already do _ . Changkyun just shrugged. Minhyuk looked concerned. “Changkyun, it’s like, three items. Even if it were ten items- Changkyun this is your  _ home _ now, you know that right? We’re debuting in two months. You’re allowed to leave your things outside of your suitcase.” Minhyuk took a step forward, and then another step. He continued forward until he was right in front of the rapper. “Please be honest with me. Why won’t you eat with us?” Changkyun opened his mouth, but didn’t speak. He closed his mouth again. Minhyuk decided to continue speaking. “Jooheon told us it’s because nobody invited you to eat with us. Why did you think you needed to be invited? We just assumed that you were shy, and that you weren’t ready, but it’s been  _ six months _ . Why won’t you eat with us, or go do karaoke with us?” Changkyun blinked.

“I didn’t think I was invited.”

“You’re a member of Monsta X, why wouldn’t you be invited?” Changkyun grew somewhat angry at this.

“What do you  _ mean  _ why wouldn’t I be invited?” he snapped. “None of you have shown any interest in being my friend. Not that long ago, none of you even wanted to be  _ in the same room as me _ . Why would I think it’s suddenly different just because I made it into the group?” Changkyun had been so good at keeping his tears out of sight. Now, he was angry at himself for the three tears that managed to escape. He quickly wiped his face with the back of his hand and before Minhyuk could say another word, Changkyun apologized, bowed, and locked himself in the bathroom. He cried on the bathroom floor. Minhyuk didn’t try to talk to him for the rest of the night. Changkyun figured that was best. 

A few nights later, Kihyun came into the studio where Changkyun was working diligently. The rapper was so immersed in the beats and the lyrics that he hadn’t even noticed the vocalist staring at him with a sad expression on his face. Changkyun jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and took his headphones off.

“Oh, hi hyung.”

“Hey, Kyunnie.” Kihyun smiled softly. “We’re all going out to eat in a few minutes. Do you want to come with us?”  _ Ah, Minhyuk must have talked about their conversation.  _

“Oh, no hyung. That’s okay. I need to work on this.” Kihyun seemed dissatisfied with the answer. 

“Please come.” Changkyun’s heart hurt, hearing the plea from the elder. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, hyung.” Changkyun didn’t know why he said that out loud. He hadn’t meant to. He didn’t want the other to know how he felt. Didn’t want to seem ungrateful for being allowed to debut with them. He slipped up with Minhyuk. And now, it would seem, with Kihyun. 

“Kyunnie,” Kihyun murmured. Changkyun smiled weakly.

“It’s okay. I don’t know what Minhyuk told you, but you don’t have to invite me just because I’m debuting with you.” Might as well be a little bit more honest. Kihyun’s eyes widened.

“Wait, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m inviting you because I want you to be there. I- we always want you to be there.” Kihyun reached out and placed his hand gently on Changkyun’s shoulder. Something he hadn’t felt in months rushed through his body. He reached out again, with both arms, as if he were going to pull Kihyun into a hug. He didn’t. Kihyun must have seen it, though, because moments later, Changkyun was wrapped up in Kihyun’s arms. Changkyun didn’t want to cry. Not in front of the members. Not in front of Kihyun. But, he couldn’t help it. He needed that hug, more than anything else. The floodgates burst, and Changkyun was crying into Kihyun’s oversized blue jacket. After Changkyun came back to his senses, he pulled away from the vocalist. He whispered his apologies. 

“Why were you crying?” 

“It’s kinda stupid,” Changkyun mumbled, embarrassed. Kihyun knelt down so that he was looking up into Changkyun’s face. He placed his small hands on the maknae’s knees. 

“I’m sure it isn’t.”

“I just haven’t had that in months. So, I cried a little bit.” Kihyun tilted his head to the side.

“You haven’t had what in months?” Changkyun bit his lip.

“Um… like… a hug…” Changkyun swallowed. Kihyun blinked slowly, processing the information.

“You haven’t been hugged in months?” Changkyun shook his head.

“Hugs. Hands to hold. Not even a high-five.” Changkyun began waving his hands around. “O-oh don’t worry though, I’m not complaining. It’s okay. It’s hard, sometimes. But, that’s my problem, not yours. I-it’s stupid anyway.” Kihyun gaped at the maknae. 

“What do you mean, nobody’s given you a high-five? I don’t understand.” 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Kihyun shook his head.

“No, Changkyun. You’re a member of Monsta X. We need to talk about these things.  _ Please _ .” Changkyun looked away. Another few tears rolled down his cheek. 

“My love language is physical affection,” Changkyun whispered. “I love holding hands with my friends, and cuddling, you know,” Changkyun looked at the vocalist. “Like how you all hold hands and stuff. I know it’s probably selfish of me to want that too…with all of you, but…” Changkyun’s throat tightened. He looked away. Kihyun reached out and took one of Changkyun’s hands into his. 

“That must have been so painful for you,” Kihyun whispered. “Everybody needs human touch occasionally. I didn’t know. You didn’t want to ask for a hug? O-or anything like that?” 

“Minhyuk doesn’t ask. Hyunwoo and Hyungwon don’t ask. Nobody has to ask. It’s just me-” Changkyun’s voice broke and the maknae retreated from the vocalist, physically. “I’m sorry, can you please go? I just want to work on this song.” Changkyun turns around. He puts his headphones on. He doesn’t hear Kihyun leave. 

  
  
  
  
  


It’s a month before debut, and Changkyun is tired. He’s tired from dance practice. He’s tired from vocal lessons and rap practice. He’s tired from physical training. He’s tired of his new diet. He’s tired of the other members suddenly trying to all be his best friends. He’s just tired. Sometimes he dreams that he’s sinking in a large body of water. He doesn’t struggle. He just sinks. He can’t breathe. Sometimes he dreams that he’s on an island, alone with his mom and dad. One time he dreamt that the other members of Monsta X pulled him from a sinking ship. Most of the time, though, he dreams that he’s drowning, but he doesn’t try to swim. 

Kihyun tries to show Changkyun more physical affection. So does Jooheon and Minhyuk. Jooheon climbs into bed with Changkyun sometimes. Changkyun doesn’t let Jooheon wrap his arms around him. Jooheon gets to do it with everybody else. Sometimes Changkyun is angry because he feels like he shouldn’t have had to tell them that he was so touch-starved. Sometimes Changkyun is grateful, because the members let him hold their hands. But, most of the time, Changkyun is afraid. Changkyun is afraid that they are only being nice to him out of pity. He’s afraid that the attempts to be close aren’t sincere.

It all breaks down for him one day during dance practice. At this point, Hyunwoo was simply guiding the members. The dance teacher wasn’t needed that day. That day, Changkyun sits in the corner like he usually does and watches, and Jooheon and Hoseok wrestle playfully. Changkyun wonders what’s wrong with himself. Wonders why they don’t love him as much as they love each other. He doesn’t realize that he’s crying until Kihyun and Hyungwon are rushing over to his side. 

Changkyun is shaking, trying to hold back sobs. But the dam breaks. Loud sobs echo through the practice room. Sound waves hit the shiny wooden floor, hit the ceiling. Reverberate through people’s eardrums. Hoseok and Jooheon stop playing. Everyone crowds around Changkyun. Changkyun feels large, muscular arms wrap around his torso. Hoseok. 

“Please tell us what’s wrong,” Hoseok said as he pulled back. Changkyun looked around. He wanted to keep quiet. He spoke anyway. 

“I just…I know you guys will never love me as much as you love each other. That’s okay. I should be used to it by now, but sometimes it’s hard. I’m sorry for crying.” 

The silence was deafening. The loud sound of six hearts breaking at once. Changkyun’s was already broken. 

“God, I am so sorry we made you feel unloved, Changkyunnie.” Jooheon lowered himself onto the floor, reaching forward and wiping Changkyun’s tears away. “I am so,  _ so  _ sorry that we spent so long making you feel ignored, and unloved. I-” Jooheon’s voice broke. Tears flowed down his cheeks. “I love you so much. I’ll tell you that every day if I have to until you believe me. Then I’ll tell you every day after that. You are so amazing.”

“Monsta X is seven members,” Hyungwon said softly. “You’re a part of the family. We never meant to make you feel otherwise. I hope that someday you will let us in, because like I said, you’re a part of the family.” Changkyun slowly reached out and wrapped Jooheon in a hug. He felt the other rapper hug back. He felt the others slowly forming a group hug, like a protective shield around their maknae. 

  
  
  
  
  


Their first debut stage just ended. The seven members walked off of the stage, huffing and wiping the pools of sweat off of their faces. Minhyuk tackled Changkyun in pure excitement. Changkyun laughed, and began wrestling him to the ground. The other members began cheering, some for Minhyuk, some for Changkyun. 

The relationship between Changkyun and the other members wasn’t the strongest, most stable friendship. Not yet. But, it was slowly getting there, because…Changkyun was no longer alone. And for that, he was so grateful.


End file.
